Every year about now I start to play my “Sure Is Hot” game.
Pick a line at the hardware store.
About two o’clock in the hot afternoon is best.
People have ventured out from the air conditioned boxes they live in and driven in their little air conditioned boxes-on-wheels to go into the heat and get something done.
They have to go get something done or turn into a plant.
Anything – a hammer at the hardware store.
They have been rewarded for their initiative by blast after blast of hot, steel-hard heat.
Now they hate the heat even more because they know the heat is winning.
Now they just want to buy their dam hammer and go home and lay down on the couch in the air conditioning.
They live in fear of their air conditioning breaking down. People have been found dead on their couch – succumbed to the heat because their air conditioning failed.
I wait for the right time. They are standing in that line at the hardware store, heads hanging and they are afraid and they loathe the heat.
There is fear and loathing in that line.
That’s when I say it. Amidst the fear and loathing in a moment of perfect stillness.
“It sure is hot.”
Two days ago a lady just collapsed her arms across the counter and began to weep.
The guy behind her said, “Oh for _____’s sake” and walked out without paying for his hammer.
I am not proud of what I have done, but I begin to giggle. The heat is getting to me too.
Later that day my brother texted from Halifax.
It is in the 80s and it's really humid. It sure is hot.
He is hoping I will send him a drink. He knows that when it gets so hot I can hardly stand it that I give my patrons at the Bistro a free glass if they walk into the bar and say, “Sure Is Hot”.
Maybe I do this out of empathy. Maybe I want to help my fellow man in times of duress.
My brother thinks it is because I want to sell a second drink.
He may be right but I don’t care because he is up in Canada where it is cool and I really don’t give a damn what the bonehead thinks.
I resent my Canadian brothers this time of year.
They complain when their temperature crawls into the 80s.
They are up north in their cottages by icy cold lakes complaining about the heat.
Try to imagine how little I care.
I hope all their extremities fall off from frost bite next winter.
I tell my brothers a lot of Canadian jokes this time of year.
I was born in Canada so I can tell all the Canadian jokes I want.
My favorite Canadian joke is a restaurant joke.
What is the difference between a canoe and a canuck... ?
Canadians are great at one thing – cold fronts.
Next week I am adding three more tons of AC in the Bistro Bar.
I am going to sit in the bar with an icy rum drink with a little umbrella and stay there until that Canadian cold front in October. Maybe I will get lucky and it will show up early.
Come visit me. Say “Sure Is Hot” when you come in and I will buy you a cold one.
Maybe we can make someone drop to their knees and weep.
Insightful stories, colorful commentary and subtle political incorrectness by Sean Murphy, proprietor of Beach Bistro, Eat Here and The Doctor's Office, Holmes Beach, Florida – Anna Maria Island, USA, as syndicated to The Anna Maria Islander and Anna Maria Island SUN newspapers.